Monday, November 24, 2008

What Is Citi Kittie's Gender?

I've never felt like the other boys. I've always felt different from them, from as far back as I can remember. But I've never had an overwhelming feeling of having the wrong body. I read about transsexuals and how many or most felt like they had the wrong body, but their stories didn't resonate for me. And for years I thought the only options were male or female and some people were transsexuals, meaning, in my mind, that they transitioned physically from one to the other.

Because of my limited view on the topic of gender I tried to ignore it. I identified my sexuality as bisexual and let it go at that.

Then, in the last couple of years, I started learning about transgender and that transgender could mean more than just feeling like a girl in a boy's body, or vice versa. It could mean you're a boy who's a boy in a different way from most of the other boys. Or a girl but in a way that's different from most of the other girls. Or it could be a boy in a girls body, or vice versa.

So I started exploring my gender more.

Sometimes I see gender very biologically. And I think that I'm a guy because I have a penis. And just because my personality traits are different from most men in my culture doesn't detract from the fact that I'm a guy. Because I have a penis, by definition, guys also have the personality traits that I have. From this perspective, I'm a guy, just not like most of the other guys in my culture.

But other times I see it more culturally. That there are a set of traits that define male and female and I have more traits like a female than a male, so therefore, I'm female. I know I feel more at home with most women. From this perspective I feel like a girl with penis.

I know I still don't want to transition. I really salute the people who have done that. I'm not sure I could handle it. And I'm not sure I still wouldn't feel different. I think I'd be a pretty queer girl.

Then I learned about GenderQueer, which Wikipedia defines as, "a catchall term for gender identities other than man or woman. People who identify as genderqueer may think of themselves as being both a man and a woman, as being neither a man nor a woman, or as falling completely outside the gender binary."

I was like AH HA! I'm GenderQueer. I really enjoy playing with gender, gender bending, and exploring various other genders. One thing I really like about the Dark Odyssey group is that it's a safe place to not only explore my sexuality, but also my gender.

And I generally say that I'm 'out' as being GenderQueer because I see it as such an integral part of my personality. Most people who get to know me learn pretty quickly that I'm not like most other guys. And even at work, I'll make jokes or what not that let people know I'm different.

Like one of my female coworkers was trying to open a beer bottle and couldn't get it. I said, "Do you need a man to help you with that? Because I can call Alex, I think he's here today." Hee hee. It really amuses me.

And there have been times where I've been basically accepted as a woman. I worked at a Girl Scout camp and was one of just two guys on staff. The other counselors, and the campers, all accepted me as a girl. The campers even called me "she" and "her" and sometimes even "mom." I wasn't trying to present as a woman, and sometimes didn't shave and had a bit of a beard. And I know some of the campers were just used to calling everyone "she" since there were so few guys. But I know some of them say me as a woman.

So I say I'm GenderQueer and Transgender and sometimes I'll say I'm a girl with a penis. Sometimes I appropriate the term BOI, which more usually refers to a queer woman presenting more as a man. And lately I've been reading about MTFTM. A man who is really a woman, who presents more as a man. It's all really fascinating.

In my triad we sometimes joke that my Mistress is the girl with the looks, my Miss is the girl with the smarts, and I'm the girl with the penis. Obviously my Miss is beautiful, and my Mistress is very smart, but it's amusing to us and makes us feel like super heroes.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Triggers and Safewords: A Tale of Two Blowjobs

There's a complex relationship between abuse and arousal. I think the first books I read on the subject were Nancy Friday's, where she talked about how some people who were abused will later want to play out those same roles as a way to take control of the situation. And get really turned on as well.

I'm still not so sure about my childhood, but I know I was in an emotionally abusive relationship as an adult. So it doesn't surprise me that humiliation scenes really turn me on.

The thing is, for a scene to be really hot it has to be fake. Because if it's real, then it's abuse. It's like when you go to a slasher movie. You'll feel a lot of fear. But if you know it's fake, then you can enjoy the fear. If someone pulls a real knife on you in an alley, then it's real. So you feel the fear, but it's not fun.

During camp I had two blowjob scenes that involved humiliation. I didn't negotiate before either. Which can be a bad thing. It means you aren't sure what you are getting yourself into. It means the other person doesn't know your boundaries. It means you aren't sure what the other person has in mind, or where they are coming from.

It means, you may not be sure if what is happening is fake, or real.

One of them was at the brothel, where I was hired to blow another whore. I wrote about this earlier. I went out on the lawn and begged to suck his cock. He called me names and I told him I was his naughty little girl.

He grabbed my head, shoved his cock down my throat, and called me a bitch. And a lot of other nasty words.

But a couple of times he leaned down and, in a sweet and caring voice, asked if I was doing OK. That helped me know that what was happening was fake. Which meant that I could enjoy it.

When a BDSM scene goes really well you end up in a place called sub space or top space or The Happy Place. When a scene goes bad, I end up in a place I call The Bad Place.
Things are not so good in The Bad Place. As the name might imply.

After this scene I was really flying in subspace. I was super-chatty. In fact, I couldn't shut up and had to go for a walk to calm myself down.

The second blowjob was on a different night. I'd just met the woman and we had chatted briefly in the dungeon. We were joking around and she seemed fun and a bit snarky.

We walked down to the sexorama for an orgy. At the orgy I suggested a friend suck off the woman. She did and it was pretty hot. The woman was sort of cooing to the girl who was sucking her off. She petted her head and seemed to really enjoy being blown.

It really turned me on to watch, and I really wanted to blow the woman too.

When they were done we went out on the porch and I asked if I could blow her. She sort of looked me up and down and said I could if I wanted to. So I got on my knees and started sucking her cock.

While I was working her she made a few humiliating comments. At one point she asked if I was enjoying it because it wasn't doing anything for her. She made a few other, similar comments, indicating I wasn't doing a very good job. And then she chatted with the people standing next to her on the porch, completing ignoring me and what I was doing.

And it got me wondering. Were we doing a humiliation scene? Or were her emotions genuine? Was she into it and wanted to humiliate me? Or was she trying to be deliberately mean and dismissive?

We hadn't negotiated. We hadn't discussed a safeword. So I had no way to know what was going on.

And really, I didn't need to safeword in that situation, I could have just stopped sucking her. I wasn't tied up. I wasn't physically restrained in any way. I could have stood up and walked off.

And part of me wanted to do that. But part of me wanted to get her to like it. To do a good job blowing her.

But that didn't happen. She never showed any sign that she was enjoying it. And progressively paid less attention to me, until there wasn't any connection between the two of us. Aside from my mouth on her cock. So eventually I just stopped.

After this scene I think I was in The Bad Place. I felt withdrawn and a bit ashamed of myself, though I wasn't sure why. Another feature of The Bad Place is that I am super critical of myself. Partly I was feeling like I had done something wrong. Like I shouldn't have done the scene, or I should have negotiated first.

And partly I was feeling like I was unattractive, undesirable, as in, why would she want me to suck her off? Who was I for thinking she'd want me to do that?

I went back in the sexorama and just sat by myself, listening to other people have orgasms.

I'm not saying she abused me, but I think the scene ended up being abusive. I now think that, if you are unsure if what you are doing is a scene or not, then it's not a scene.

I saw her the next day and she was chatty and pleasant to me. So I guess she didn't want to cause me harm the night before.

But I'm still unsure.