He has recently connected with me via Facebook - and is quite openly gay and has a long-time lover. (I am currently involved in my own relationship with a woman.) He and his companion are coming to NYC and want to get together for drinks/dinner.
That is fine (I do not hold grudges)—but there is a small elephant in the room. I cannot envision me sitting across from him and his friend all evening and saying absolutely nothing. Should I bring it up ahead of time or wait until sometime we are together? He has made absolutely no mention of the incident so far.
-New York
Dear New York,
You need so much help that it boggles Butchy's mind, and Butchy's mind is huge and not easily boggled. The best way Butchy can help is by telling you everything that you are doing wrong. (Butchy assumes this is the same approach your parents used when trying to raise you.)First, you make far too many parenthetic comments. One or two is fine. More indicates a lack of decisiveness that your enemies will see as a sign of weakness, and rightly so.
Second of all, always hold grudges. Grudges are meant to be held, that's why they're called grudges.
Thirdly, the elephant in the room is not small. The jerk punched you in the face and caused permanent damage. That's huge. In fact, it's elephant size. That's why they're called elephants.
Fourth, you went to Europe.
Next, you chose a traveling partner you didn't know well. This wasn't a weekend bender in Vegas, where going with a homophobe with anger issues is actually a plus. You went to another continent for six weeks. You can't choose your traveling companions the same way you choose your sex partners: with reckless abandon. You need to be careful.
Sixthly, you chose to come out to him on a city street in the middle of the trip with, Butchy is guessing, no idea how he'd react. Either that, or you're an awful judge of how people will react.
In addition, you joined Facebook.
And eighthly, you accepted his friends request.
After 35 years of bad choices, that you admit to, it is difficult to know where to be begin. But make no mistake, Butchy does not blame the victim. This jerk is a jerk and needs to be dealt with.
You need to view this piece of information as a bomb. Ideally, at dinner you'll soften him up with a barrage of small insults and digs. Just when his partner is about to protest or defend him, you'll hit them both with this A-bomb of information. But this kind of attack is probably too advanced for you.
So instead, Butchy suggests you friend the jerk's lover on Facebook and message the lover with the story. Tell the lover you can't get together when they visit because the incident has given you PTSD. No good can possibly come from you telling the jerk's lover this story, which is why it is such a good way to get revenge. At most it will detonate a rift between them that will eventually break them apart. At the very least the jerk's lover will have to find a way to forgive the jerk.
And then unfriend the jerk and never communicate with him again. And continue to hold your grudge.
Enjoy,
Butchy
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