Sunday, November 2, 2008

Triggers and Safewords: A Tale of Two Blowjobs

There's a complex relationship between abuse and arousal. I think the first books I read on the subject were Nancy Friday's, where she talked about how some people who were abused will later want to play out those same roles as a way to take control of the situation. And get really turned on as well.

I'm still not so sure about my childhood, but I know I was in an emotionally abusive relationship as an adult. So it doesn't surprise me that humiliation scenes really turn me on.

The thing is, for a scene to be really hot it has to be fake. Because if it's real, then it's abuse. It's like when you go to a slasher movie. You'll feel a lot of fear. But if you know it's fake, then you can enjoy the fear. If someone pulls a real knife on you in an alley, then it's real. So you feel the fear, but it's not fun.

During camp I had two blowjob scenes that involved humiliation. I didn't negotiate before either. Which can be a bad thing. It means you aren't sure what you are getting yourself into. It means the other person doesn't know your boundaries. It means you aren't sure what the other person has in mind, or where they are coming from.

It means, you may not be sure if what is happening is fake, or real.

One of them was at the brothel, where I was hired to blow another whore. I wrote about this earlier. I went out on the lawn and begged to suck his cock. He called me names and I told him I was his naughty little girl.

He grabbed my head, shoved his cock down my throat, and called me a bitch. And a lot of other nasty words.

But a couple of times he leaned down and, in a sweet and caring voice, asked if I was doing OK. That helped me know that what was happening was fake. Which meant that I could enjoy it.

When a BDSM scene goes really well you end up in a place called sub space or top space or The Happy Place. When a scene goes bad, I end up in a place I call The Bad Place.
Things are not so good in The Bad Place. As the name might imply.

After this scene I was really flying in subspace. I was super-chatty. In fact, I couldn't shut up and had to go for a walk to calm myself down.

The second blowjob was on a different night. I'd just met the woman and we had chatted briefly in the dungeon. We were joking around and she seemed fun and a bit snarky.

We walked down to the sexorama for an orgy. At the orgy I suggested a friend suck off the woman. She did and it was pretty hot. The woman was sort of cooing to the girl who was sucking her off. She petted her head and seemed to really enjoy being blown.

It really turned me on to watch, and I really wanted to blow the woman too.

When they were done we went out on the porch and I asked if I could blow her. She sort of looked me up and down and said I could if I wanted to. So I got on my knees and started sucking her cock.

While I was working her she made a few humiliating comments. At one point she asked if I was enjoying it because it wasn't doing anything for her. She made a few other, similar comments, indicating I wasn't doing a very good job. And then she chatted with the people standing next to her on the porch, completing ignoring me and what I was doing.

And it got me wondering. Were we doing a humiliation scene? Or were her emotions genuine? Was she into it and wanted to humiliate me? Or was she trying to be deliberately mean and dismissive?

We hadn't negotiated. We hadn't discussed a safeword. So I had no way to know what was going on.

And really, I didn't need to safeword in that situation, I could have just stopped sucking her. I wasn't tied up. I wasn't physically restrained in any way. I could have stood up and walked off.

And part of me wanted to do that. But part of me wanted to get her to like it. To do a good job blowing her.

But that didn't happen. She never showed any sign that she was enjoying it. And progressively paid less attention to me, until there wasn't any connection between the two of us. Aside from my mouth on her cock. So eventually I just stopped.

After this scene I think I was in The Bad Place. I felt withdrawn and a bit ashamed of myself, though I wasn't sure why. Another feature of The Bad Place is that I am super critical of myself. Partly I was feeling like I had done something wrong. Like I shouldn't have done the scene, or I should have negotiated first.

And partly I was feeling like I was unattractive, undesirable, as in, why would she want me to suck her off? Who was I for thinking she'd want me to do that?

I went back in the sexorama and just sat by myself, listening to other people have orgasms.

I'm not saying she abused me, but I think the scene ended up being abusive. I now think that, if you are unsure if what you are doing is a scene or not, then it's not a scene.

I saw her the next day and she was chatty and pleasant to me. So I guess she didn't want to cause me harm the night before.

But I'm still unsure.

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