Monday, October 4, 2010

Dysphoria to Euphoria: A Summer Camp Odyssey

My Cunning Camp Plan

This year at Kinky Sex Camp I had a plan. Over the summer I'd been exploring my gender and a lot of issues had come. So at camp I wanted to try different gender presentations and see how they felt.

Camp is amazing because you can pretty much do anything you want (as long as it's consensual). And people are very accepting of whatever you do. Or they ignore you. Either way, it's a great place to experiment.

Facing My Issues

I really enjoy being sexual with my friends. That's one of the main reasons I'm polyamorous. And I really enjoy meeting someone new, flirting with them, feeling some chemistry, and then running off and getting naughty.

So you'd think I'd be in kitty heaven at play parties and conventions. However, there is another truth about me. The less I know someone, the less comfortable I am using my penis.

I always thought this was performance anxiety, or phobias about getting a disease. And while I think those are pieces of the puzzle, I now realize that gender dysphoria is a bigger part.

In the past I've dealt with this by trying to get to know people before I play with them. And explaining that I don't involve my penis much until I have more of a relationship going.

My friends have been fine with this. Everyone has boundaries and rules and limits. And there are plenty of fun, naughty things that don't involve my penis.

But it often leaves me frustrated because I want to connect in a more sexual way. Yet, when I do involve my penis it's left me feeling bad. It's sort of hard to describe. Being unable to describe it better than "feels bad" I just avoided it.

Then I got to camp and decided to face it.

Being a Girl at Camp

Thursday night I had a play date with a guy in the Sex O Rama. He wanted to fuck me in the ass and I thought that was a yummy idea.

He suggested we use a swing, which I'd never tried. So I laid on my back as he fingered me and then fucked me with his strapon. It was, indeed, yummy.

However, laying on my back in the swing, with him standing, meant I was staring down at my own body. Which meant I was staring at my own cock.

And that felt really weird, which was unexpected. Because, honestly, I see a lot of my cock. But I was dressed like a cute girl, getting fucked by a hot guy, and here I was, with a penis!

In the last couple of years I've done enough reading to know the name for this feeling, gender dysphoria. The feeling that my body's genital configuration wasn't matching up with the gender configuration that feels right in my brain.

Laying there in the swing, I didn't freak out. I mean, it's camp! Every couple of hours I expect to experience something that causes me to feel weird or strange or some other, unexpected emotion.

So after acknowledging my feelings, I stared at my partner, I stared at the ceiling, I closed my eyes. I took my focus off my cock (which was just lying there not doing anything) and focused on the strapon in my ass (which was doing quite a bit).

Later I asked him to take me outside, bend me over the railing, and fuck me. He was happy to oblige. And sure enough, I enjoyed that position much more because I couldn't see my cock. (The strangers walking by staring, or ignoring us, only added to the fun.)

After the fucking, we talked and I told him about my feelings. Being trans person himself he suggested it was dysphoria, which confirmed and affirmed my feelings.

Time to explore this further.

Being a Boy At Camp

Friday evening I presented as a boy. There were several events that seemed like good opportunities for this. One was cruising in the woods, which was specificily for male-identified people, or people presenting as male, or in male head-space.

My Mistress was presenting as a boy as well. So off we headed, into the woods. My Mistress with her strapon, me with my factory-issued cock.

It wasn't the best experience for us. I couldn't see anyone or much of what was going on because it was so dark. I have nothing against anonymous sex, but not seeing the person, or seeing what you are doing? I guess I'm a lot more visual than I thought.

And I was feeling pretty unsure about the whole presenting-as-a-boy thing. Which was unexpected, since I have a lot of experience presenting as a boy. But it made me feel off my game, or strange, or out of sorts. 

And did I mention the part about not being able to see anyone? It wasn't working for my Mistress either, so we headed back to main camp to see what other trouble a couple of boys could get up to.

We made our way to the Times Square Cinema event. It was set up to approximate the grindhouses of Manhattan back when you went to watch porn, and grope each other.

I sat next to a dirty lady and we groped each other. And she fed me Junior Mints. Being that it was a dirty movie theater, I unzipped my pants. She commented that it was cute, and then molested me. I liked the comment, "cute", but also sensed it's not what most men would want to hear.

All in all, my night of being a boy resulted in not much play. I'm not sure being a boy is really for me.

I was ready to continue experimenting.

Making My Strapon My Own

My plan for Saturday was to present as a girl with a strapon. I was invited to a non-bio cock gang bang, a mythical creature orgy, and I'd be a "working" in the brothel as a whore (no actual money is involved).

Part of me wanted to involve my penis in some of the action, but this was research, for science! (or self-discovery), so I tucked my penis away in my panties (pointing it backward between my legs, giving me a smooth profile).

I had to cancel on the gang bang because my Mistress had a migraine and needed me to help her. But by the evening she was feeling better so I headed to the orgy, harness on and strapon ready. Using my strapon felt, amazing. I had people sucking on it and then fucked a girl. I could feel her opening on my shaft, could feel her wetness dripping on me, could feel her squeezing on it as I fucked her.

And I could feel pleasure from it that had nothing to do with my penis. (She was tucked away and soft the whole time.) Call it my psychic cock, my astral cock, energy orgasms, whatever, it was amazing. Like a girl, I was riding the orgasm wave up and down as it flowed from her pussy down my strapon and into my body. 

I left the orgy feeling energized and excited, and wanting to fuck everyone with my strapon.

At the brothel I laid out two dildos on the bed, like a merchant showing her wares. I had no idea what people would think, but the reaction was great. During my two-hour shift I fucked two women, one a friend, the other a stranger.

And it felt great!

And I felt great about myself!

No "bad" feelings. No dysphoria, just wild elation. And more orgasms.

The experience of being a girl with a strapon left me feeling liberated, energized, euphoric. It was like suddenly, after years of misfires, everything clicked into place and instead of stumbling in the dark I was flying.

After Camp

I feel like I've had a major break through and I'm further along the road of self discovery, which is great. But it's also a bit scary because I don't where my journey may be going.

For years I've been fine with identifying as GenderQueer, but I"m feeling a lot more transgendered, transgirl, than I did before. And I'm not sure what to do with that.

The journey continues.

No comments: