Tuesday, October 13, 2009

No Apologies

In the summer of 1999 I seemingly had it all. I'd spent the previous 13 years playing by society's rules and was reaping its rewards. I was in a monogamous relationship. I was heteronormative and when my wife and I had sex it was bland, vanilla sex. I'd spent most of our relationship being a good husband, following her around the country for her career, and doing whatever I could to keep our relationships together. In fact, my wife and I had just put a down payment on a house in the suburbs, that's how mainstream I was.

Unfortunately, we were both miserable.

Years of trying to be someone I wasn't had taken its toll. I hated being straight and never flirting with anyone. I hated being traditionally male. I hated my job and I hated where I lived. And my wife was depressed, had anger issues, and fibromyalgia.

So ten years ago I quit my job, got divorced, and moved back to the East Coast. And started working on building a new life. A life where I present as the gender I was born to be and have the types of relationships that are right for me.

It's been a lot of hard work and I've had several missteps. I've learned a lot about ethical non-monogamy and the kinds of rules you need to have to stay healthy emotionally and physically. But they aren't the same rules that society told me to have.

Last month I moved in with my wife and our girlfriend. I also have a boyfriend and several play partners. And my partners have other partners. I no longer present as traditionally male, and often present as fairly femme. When I have sex it's the naughty, dirty, kinky kind that gets my partners and I off.

Many people tell me that all of this is doomed to fail. That this type of lifestyle, these kinds of relationships, this kind of gender presentation doesn't work out. That I'll end up alone and unloved.

Well you know what, I've tried it society's way and it didn't work out so well. There are no guarantees in this life. But at least this way, if I fail I'll know I failed on my own terms.

Now, I'm not hurting anyone. I'm not lying to anyone. I'm not manipulating anyone into doing things they don't want to do. I'm not breaking any laws. I'm treating everyone ethically and morally.

However, I may be making a few people uncomfortable by living my life the way I want. But for that have no apologies.

1 comment:

ciani said...

there's no shortage of people telling others their alternative relationships won't work despite never having tried it on their own. There's also no shortage of successful alternative relationships so there we go :) whether or not it works has nothing to do with the structure and everything to do with the people in it.