They Still Kill Trans People, Don't They

Today is the Transgender Day of Remembrance. A day set aside to memorialize those who were killed due to anti-transgender hatred or prejudice. It's sad that we have to have a day like this each year but we do.

Because they still kill trans people.

In my blog, and in my life, I try to celebrate gender variance. I love going on cam dressed up cute, in whatever gender presentation strikes my fancy that day. But I never show my face.

Because they still kill trans people.

I love going out to parties and conventions where I feel free, and safe, to present in any way I choose. I love flirting and chatting. People tell me I even have a different walk when I'm at an event. Which surprises me because I don't try to walk any different. At an event, the way I present just feels so "right." But before I leave I always change back into my "street" clothes.

Because they still kill trans people.

I'm beginning to realize I'd be a lot happier if I could present to the world who I really am. I'm sure I'd have a lot less anxiety and depression if I could dress as my actual gender. I'd feel so much more authentic and real if people saw me as my true gender (the gender I was born with, even if people thought I was a different gender). It's who I really am. But I don't dare show them.

Because they still kill trans people.

Don't worry, I have plenty of happy, flirty, sexy posts still to come. But once a year we all need to stop. And remember.

Because they still kill trans people.


There are many events around the country, and around the world. I hope you'll attend one. [http://www.transgenderdor.org/]

No Apologies

In the summer of 1999 I seemingly had it all. I'd spent the previous 13 years playing by society's rules and was reaping its rewards. I was in a monogamous relationship. I was heteronormative and when my wife and I had sex it was bland, vanilla sex. I'd spent most of our relationship being a good husband, following her around the country for her career, and doing whatever I could to keep our relationships together. In fact, my wife and I had just put a down payment on a house in the suburbs, that's how mainstream I was.

Unfortunately, we were both miserable.

Years of trying to be someone I wasn't had taken its toll. I hated being straight and never flirting with anyone. I hated being traditionally male. I hated my job and I hated where I lived. And my wife was depressed, had anger issues, and fibromyalgia.

So ten years ago I quit my job, got divorced, and moved back to the East Coast. And started working on building a new life. A life where I present as the gender I was born to be and have the types of relationships that are right for me.

It's been a lot of hard work and I've had several missteps. I've learned a lot about ethical non-monogamy and the kinds of rules you need to have to stay healthy emotionally and physically. But they aren't the same rules that society told me to have.

Last month I moved in with my wife and our girlfriend. I also have a boyfriend and several play partners. And my partners have other partners. I no longer present as traditionally male, and often present as fairly femme. When I have sex it's the naughty, dirty, kinky kind that gets my partners and I off.

Many people tell me that all of this is doomed to fail. That this type of lifestyle, these kinds of relationships, this kind of gender presentation doesn't work out. That I'll end up alone and unloved.

Well you know what, I've tried it society's way and it didn't work out so well. There are no guarantees in this life. But at least this way, if I fail I'll know I failed on my own terms.

Now, I'm not hurting anyone. I'm not lying to anyone. I'm not manipulating anyone into doing things they don't want to do. I'm not breaking any laws. I'm treating everyone ethically and morally.

However, I may be making a few people uncomfortable by living my life the way I want. But for that have no apologies.

Why I Don't Like Non-Fetish Parties

This kitty loves to go to parties, but I'm finding that, more and more, I prefer attending fetish parties. It's not that I need to be a full-on pervert all the time (though I do enjoy that), it's just hard to be myself at a non-fetish (vanilla) party.

First off, I'm genderqueer and identify more on the female end of the gender spectrum (if there is such a thing, which I don't always believe). When I go to a fetish party I can dress up in a way that better expresses my true gender. I can wear cute skirts or a naughty or flirty dress. At a vanilla party I have to dress as a boy.

Of course I could wear girl clothes to vanilla parties. Many transsexual, transgender, and genderqueer people do that. I really admire them. I think they have a fierceness and determination that I really respect and admire, and that I lack. I mean, they still kill trans people, don't they. I've experienced enough violence so I probably err on the safe side to avoid it.

But I'm not always comfortable being a boy. Being a boy at a party brings certain expectations. You're supposed to make the first move, and behave in certain ways. And people make certain assumptions about who you are. It's harder to overcome all of that and push out who I really am when I'm dressed as a boy. It is possible, it just takes a lot more effort. I'm usually able to achieve it with people I know, like coworkers. But it's much harder with strangers in a five minute conversation.

I was at a vanilla party around Christmas that included some people I didn't know. Talking with them and interacting I felt like a bit of a phony. Like I was presenting a false view of who I am. One of my partners even commented to some of them, saying something about how they had no idea what I was really like at a fetish party. All I could do was blush and say that I'm a bit different there.

In addition, I know I'm still self-conscious about being polyamorous. I'm much more out about being genderqueer and pansexual than I am about being poly. I'm sure it's partly that my family is the least accepting of my being poly.

All parties are about flirting. But trying to explain poly at a vanilla party can be a bit difficult. Especially being the perceived male in a FFM triad, many people look at it like I "have" two women and am casting about to increase my harem. Really I just like connecting with people on an emotional and physical level. And then making out with them.

And my partners enjoy playing with others too. We all operate under the same rules.

So I feel awkward flirting at a vanilla party. I feel a bit like a creepy guy.

Most of the people at fetish parties get poly. Or they know people in similar situations. At most vanilla parties it's pretty rare to run into other poly people. So we are met either with fascination, like we are an oddity, or derision. And I'm not always sure which it is.

So, while the BDSM scene is certainly not paradise, I find it much more open and accepting than the vanilla world. A place where I can express who I really am and how I prefer to love.

Trying to do that at a vanilla party is just too difficult most of the time. And I end up hiding by the dessert table eating pie.

Thoughts on Gender and Halloween

Over the years my relationship with Halloween has become a lot more complicated. As a genderqueer and transgender identified person, it is an odd holiday and can be difficult.

From what I have read, and experienced, for a lot of GQ and trans people, at first Halloween is your favorite holiday. Because it's the one day a year you can dress as your preferred gender and feel safe going out.

And as you get older, it becomes your least favorite holiday. Because it's the only day of the year you can dress as your preferred gender and feel safe going out.

As I have for the last few years, I attended a BDSM/swingers/fetish play party this year. There were a number of people that appeared to be cross dressing. (And even that term is suspect. You aren't cross dressing if you are dressing as your preferred gender. So it's a difficult topic to even discuss.) But several people appeared to be bio males dressed as women. And probably for a variety of reasons.

People dress in the clothes of a different gender for a variety of reasons.

• It's the clothing of their preferred gender.
• It gives them an erotic thrill.
• It's humiliating.
• It's taboo.
• It's funny.

And it's hard to know the reasons someone is dressing the way they are.

The DSM makes the distinction between cross dressers and trans people. Cross dressers are the ones who get an erotic thrill from it. But I reject this distinction.

I get an erotic thrill from putting on a corset and miniskirt. But I'm pretty sure most cisgendered women get a thrill from putting on a corset and mini skirt too. It's part of what those clothes are designed to do. Emphasize your sexuality.

But I also prefer to wear women's clothes around the house. And I don't get much of a thrill from wearing women's jeans and a woman's polo shirt.

So I think it's a lot more complicated than pop culture or the DSM will have you believe.

I find it curious that I've never discussed gender with anyone at a play party. Not that play parties are a place where deep issues get delved into, but still, you'd think it'd come up at some point.

Once someone asked me which pronouns I prefer (which was awesome, and I was unsure what to say), but that's about as close as it's come.

This is not an accusation against anyone. I find that I have no idea how to bring it up. I get totally tongue-tied. And I'm usually pretty comfortable talking about any subject. But I have yet to discuss gender with anyone at a party.

I'd like to learn more about some of the folks that seem to be cross dressing, or are GQ, or trans, or, well, I don't actually know. Because I've never talked with them.

Maybe it's because it's still all so new for me.

I've always known I had gender issues, but chose to ignore it for years. Which we all know doesn't work.

But for years the only images of trans people I saw were people who were either the butt of a joke or the victim of a crime. And often in places you wouldn't expect. I loved the movie A Mighty Wind. But Harry Shearer's character ended up being a transexual. Really? Just for a cheap joke at the end of the film. Was that even necassary? No. But it's always good for a laugh. Put a guy in a dress.

And I've avoided the serious movies about trans issues, like Boys Don't Cry. I really have no desire to see a movie where a transperson is killed. The whole idea that this is almost a sub genre sickens me. I know it serves a purpose to educate people about how awful transphobia is and that it should be stopped. But really, it's not something I want to be exposed to. I have enough fear of hatred and violence. I don't need to see it in full color on the big screen.

For that reason I love Ugly Betty. The transsexual character is not a victim and is not a joke. She's a person with a complicated story line. It may not always be the most flattering or accurate portrayal, but at least it's not just a cheap joke or a victim role.

And so it's for similar reasons I have a complicated relationship with the BDSM scene.

In the last few years I've finally started to embrace my gender and get more comfortable with who I am. And that is in large part thanks to the BDSM scene. It's one of the few places I can dress as my preferred gender and go out and feel safe.

Also, from going to play parties and conventions I've learned that there are a lot of people who are attracted to people who are gender variant. I had no idea. As I say, from only watching the mainstream media I assumed everyone hated transpeople. I don't think I've entirely internalized it, but at least I do know that a lot of people are attracted to other forms of gender expression. And that has been very liberating.

But as I say, I'm never quite sure why others are dressing the way they are at parties. Especially at Halloween, when many people dress as a different gender for a laugh or other dismissive reasons.

This year I felt it more than previous years. So I went as a cat. I dressed in leopard print, bell bottom women's pants, a leopard print bra, a lion's tail, lion-paw half-gloves, and a lion hood. So I was both gender queer and species queer : )

I might continue this for future Halloween's—dressing as a cat.

And then, in a couple years, maybe I'll have a post lamenting that no one in the mainstream culture accepts furries and how Halloween is the only time of year you can go out as your preferred anthropomorphic creature and feel safe.